Courage

Dear Amiya,

You had a very hard day at school on Monday. Your teacher was frustrated with you because you were disorganized. And you were, in fact, disorganized. This is a problem for you and something you need to work harder to fix.

In her frustration, your teacher said something to you that was unkind and hurtful - moreso in tone than in words. You didn't make it from the classroom to the car without crying. You were very upset. You kept saying how you had never gotten in trouble, how you have never caused problems and you couldn't understand why she yelled at you.

You came home, dried up and told me what happened. The details won't be important by the time you read this. You were disorganized, your teacher unthoughtful. The responsibility lies with both of you.

You wanted me to write a note to the teacher and say the consequence was unfair. I wouldn't. I agree that there should be a consequence for perpetual disorganization. The consequence stands.

You wanted me to write a note and tell the teacher that your feelings were hurt. I told you that I wouldn't. That sometimes feelings can get even more hurt when we write important things down, instead of talking about them face to face.

You wanted me to tell your teacher how she had hurt your feelings. I wouldn't do that either. But I told you I would practice with you so that you would feel confident enough to stand up for yourself.

And so we did. We practiced a lot. We took out all the extra details. We boiled it down to, "Mrs. Xxxxx, when you yelled, "Completely and honestly, I just don't care" at me yesterday, my feelings were very hurt."

When you woke up the next morning, I was sure you were going to say we should drop the whole thing. I thought you would be nervous or scared, but you weren't. And that's when I knew how important this was for you.

So we went in and we waited. And we waited and waited. She was late. But when she finally made it in, we stood with her in a corner. She looked at me, expecting me to talk. I looked at you to make it clear that you were the important person in the conversation at that moment.

You looked your teacher in the eye, way up where she was because she wouldn't bend down to talk on your level. And you said what you felt and you stood your ground in a respectful and appropriate manner. We talked about how all the grown-ups understand the organization issue and that we thought the consequence was appropriate. We also talked about how quickly words and tone can hurt someone and how we have to use them carefully.

You won't read this for many, many years. But someday you will. I want you to know two things:

1. We would have talked to the teacher for you had you not had the courage. Daddy and I want you to stand up for yourself, but we will always, always have your back if you can't.

2. You are strong. It isn't easy to tell someone when they've hurt your feelings or to stand up to someone in a position of power. Lots of grown-ups have trouble doing this and you're learning how to do this while so young. We hope you always have the confidence to stand up for yourself or another, in a respectful way. More of us should have that same skill.

You learned a lot from this experience. And it isn't only to make sure your papers are in the right spots. It's so good to be your parent, Amiya - we're learning just as much as you.

Love,
Mommy and Daddy